local capers

Yesterday two interesting things happened in the local.
I normally dont hav a fixed train like most mumbaikars. My train depends on the time and energy levels i have each morning.
This Morning i took a fast local, as it was decently alightable at Kandivali, but got off at bandra as it was too swollen and not subsiding, (to catch a slow for elphinstone) ran through the over bridge to the track, to alight the slow train just pulling in, and was pleasantly surprised to find it relatively empty. Almost all third seats empty!
I cudnt stop beaming as i inquired of the woman next to me..
From andheri? Yes she nodded

Next station Mahim.
another woman walking in, beaming the same goofy grin i must have had!
Bandra? She asks.
Andheri. I grin back.
Just made me realise How little we mumbaikar local travellers really need to feel good!
On the other hand, the evening return trip saw two eunuch beggars begging for one rupee coins. Young 20 somethings.
One of them was angrily arguing with a commuter. If u want to give me money be quick about it. Dont waste your and my time fiddling into your purse. I have other 'custombers' waiting too.

Na rahe baas na baje basuri......The poorn story!

"Mamma whats porn?" asks my seven year old son. Its 31 dec, 2999. New years eve. And im getting ready to welcome the new millennium .
"Where in hell did u find that relic?"
i ask, i am slightly taken Aback.
I knew i would have to hav the talk sooner or later but i ddnt think it wud end up in 'sooner'
"New year eve and The tv is chronicling the important things that happened in the last 1000 years, and other than how we indians edged out us and china to number one spot, it said we were also the ones who started the 'porn revolution' So whats porn?!
I sigh as i look at my cute innocent baby!
Its a word that exists only in the dictionary dear!i start, but Let me begin from the beginning.
Initially, Cave men worked hard outdoors physically, to bring the food home, and banged their women for children, which was borne and reared by these women. It worked well, till men invented machines to do their physical work, a direct result of which women started going out too, as brute strength was no longer needed to earn the bread
Then the men went ahead and learnt to preserve their sperms.
Now the women no longer needed men to give birth.
If u ask me i wood say, their goose was cooked right there and then. Though of course, it took many more years to reach there
In the meanwhile men also got so lazy that instead of banging their women, they started to let others do it for them. Ie they learnt to watch others do it. And enjoyed that.
On film. That was called porn.
Oh u mean its just a movie?
Yes i chortle. Actually just a short movie.
The movies started simply! A single couple, then mixed doubles and later to orgies and rape porns so on and so forth till it reached to watching children having sex too.
Thats when somebody decided to ban porn.
" Oh" sonsy eyes grow wide. Then?
But the ban ddnt end anything, i tell him...... as the crimes against children and women ddnt really stop, Somewhere about 200 years later, some indian govt got a bright idea that the best way to stop sexual abuse was to castrate men. All men. Of all ages. It was called the 'na rahe baas na baje basuri' scheme. it was decided that this was the only lasting solution to stop men from behaving like animals Since they had any way outlived the real use of their penis and testertones too. And anyways the sperm banks were always there for progeny.
Initially men resisted, but sooner or later, one by one, they were all done in!
Now a days, in fact, its a quick easy process done the minute a male child is born. Two nips. One the umblical cord and the other the u know what.
And i must add the world indeed became a better place!
Now im speaking more to myself than to him!
No more testertone, no more rapes, no more child porn, no more wars, nothing negative in fact!
And men because they had nothing to do learnt to communicate with women the way women wanted them too. That is Emotionally!
And since india was a super power by then it ddnt take long for the whole world to follow suit
So now u know what porn is.
I conclude loudly ending my little speech.
But somewhere in the middle of our talk my sweet little kid had fallen fast asleep.

punishments

' An angry parent,
A cringing child,
Often
neither Time heals,
nor shrinks.'

Ode to the inner child

You were a brave kid,
Well stocked with pluck
Impertinent at times,
ImPatient at others,
An industrious scurry
Of Leaping from one life's episode to another
With the Grace of a lithe monkey
It was Always love

Angry ,teary confused
Soulful, sad..
Sombre colours of sorrow
That was love too
Too long you ruled
Held your mighty sway
On my tiny heart.
Now its time
To relieve you
Of your heavy burdens
With wholesome gratitude
And give you a well deserved rest
Bye, inner child,
you will be always loved!

shadows

We often
seek shadows
desirous of cool
shades

And
end up
in smoke screened
desperate darknesses

Darkness and light

Its a thin thin line
Almost invincible,
exasperating
in its Fleeting flights,
of disappearances.

It has set forth
a hitherto unknown
tussle of biting brightness,
and anonymous grey nights,
A glimpse of you,
Daylight,
now that ive finally got
i dare want more!
The comfort of the
familiar dark
draws with distant
Faint lullabies,
the throb of a
new tender heart beat
Holds a secret promise too
Pain isnt bad,
It cajoles,
For isnt pain very proof
of throbbing life?!
And ,
Life,
Light says
is not meant to be perfect!
Both pull, as of now,
i want the light to win!

salvages

Salvage.
The heart
heavy,
With sagas of past
Where dones cannot be undone
and
uncuttable
bonds of steel
resonate
an uncertain future
Does the journey ever really end?

The waiting

The waiting
I
Walk
To the spot
Where it lay silent....

Our Love..

I Linger on.
Hopes still alive

For
Its Not
as much
The lack
Of The heartbeat
As much as
the rot of carcass
Which is the final
Proof of death !

indifferent lonliness

Just one of those days
when the mind,
It begs
for some Fruitful occupancy,
And
The heart
wishes to Feel
something more
Something warm
Something vast,
Some thing loving!

One of those days
When unfeeling
mundaneness rules
The grey walls of the
Sluggish brain
One of those days
When Loneliness walks
In Indifferent colours!

pedestals

It starts with
high pedestals
That Lovers
Place each other on
When on an upward swings

Its but
Laws of nature,
For What goes up
Has to come down-
Gravity rules!
And
Once Exulted values
Erodes by
corrosive time
Providing
The correction
Devaluation...
Balance restored
Love lives on!

crossroads

Crossroads
If you're are Caught
between Two worlds,
Like Love and calling,
And a bitter battle unfurls.

Pampering one,
The other suffers
unintended neglect...
Is it bad or worse
Bravely Pick and choose,
Procrastination is uncalled
You favour not yourself,
All other worlds too, unserved!

beef ban

Dunno whether its a good sign or bad!
A group of women on the local discussing the non veg ban during the jain festival.
One real vocal woman:
we r a democracy. Don't go into kitchens. We r brahmins too, but we dont expect others to not eat meat.

Cut to yesterdays conversion at the office lunch session:
One woman" I am a brahmin. So i eat rice for breakfast, snacks for lunch. And ....... Honestly i missed the rest cause my internal sacarstic bitch was already having a gala time.......oh, so u r a brahmin, so where are the distinguishing horns? And who dictates the eating habits of brahmins. The Rig ved?"
One side of me is glad of the vibrancy of democracy that this 'vocal on local' brahmin lady is not too thrilled abt the seemingly pro hindu jain ban dikat, and even thinks it important enough to discuss it with train friends
Where as the other side, one wonders how primitive must be this 5000 year old,if not more culture be, that prople still take pride in their eating habits based on their superior caste., and worse still thinks food (and drinks) have to be lawfully regulated even in the 21st century!

lull

then,
those some days
Where
nothing is right,
And
nothing is wrong,
No
new nagging worries
Nor
old haunting hurts,
No
fights left 
in any fight either

Its the proverbial lull,
In the effortless flow
Of time.

Bad taste in mouth

Bad taste in mouth

I have already stepped into the bus, on my way to work, and standing right ahead, when i realise i have clean forgotten to brush my teeth.
The yucky tartary feeling in the mouth is bad.
The only cheery thing about it is  a line i had read somewhere long ago that pops on the wall of my brain page. "U dont hav alzeimers when u forget to brush your teeth. It happens when u forget how".

I am brot back from my brain wall by a violent jerk caused by a sudden break by the driver.

Apparently he has had to break to avoid hitting an auto guy. Since i dont know driving for nuts, i must admit i cant say who was at fault.
But my  driver was already cursing the frail old auto guy in white uniform. Bose D K , dont u hav any sense, do u want me to hit u, BOSE D K, do u think this is UP, Mc Bc, do u want me to come to UP and hit u, ....

The frail guy with a scull cap wasn't very feeble either. I had showed my hand he scream whines,  victim written all over his face.

Luckily a passing hawaldar intervenes and asks the bus driver, to leave, along with taking the auto guy to task

Needless to say the taste in the mouth is  now worse. :( and its not the tartar thats the reason

wistful whispers

Wistful whispers

Perhaps
in another world
On another day
We could have
met As lovers
Not just friends

The potential
It exists
u and i
Both know....
Without
 Using words any

We could,
You know
Fall deeply in love
With Each other
Night and day
Tirelessly
Unstintingly,
Forever

Well,
Maybe not for ever!

But whilst it would last,
It would consume
Us heart and soul
Burn us down
With horrible Intensities
All those turbulent times
And all those days
and nights
Of longings and pinings
And ceaselessly loving
And lovingly living
Just For the day,
Everyday.

Yes,
We could have been lovers too!

Just tell me

just tell me
if you caress her face,
before you
make love to her?

do you, cup her face,
between your huge hands,
stare deep into her eyes,
soulfully, unblinkingly,
with that same lingering gaze,
that had always made me
your prisoner,
again and again
each and every time
we made love.
do you give her
the same smile,
the very same words
coated in the same
soft silken whispers?
would I be prying,
if i ask you
whether
it sends
her in a tizzy too,
like it did me
all those years?
do you, dear,
remember me
whenever you see her
in your marital bed?
Do you,
please, tell me please,
do you?
Oh! !stupid crazy love,
that it doesn't want you!
all it wants
is for you
to remember us
whenever you feel love!

Births and deaths.

Births and deaths.

"She is a brave girl" she told my mother, after i obediently filed out of her bed and room, after my first check up.

I never knew what made her call me brave. But of course i was thrilled to punch, nonetheless.

She had inquired about any morning sickness the third month, and i had confidently said. No not that . I m spared there. Its the evenings that i am usually sick.

silly girl, that cause u cook in the evenings. she chided sternly though not unkindly.

The remaining months were non eventful. Except maybe the seventh month where i lost weight instead of gaining some.
No excuses. another stern moment. Next time, u r not walking in through this door without some extra weight. ( i had to secretly binge eat on sweetmeats to meet the target btw).

Sadly during my delivery, which was a week earlier than scheduled, she was on her weekly annual vacation.

She did a little hop when she heard i had delivered. I had thought so! She had chuckled, clapping her hands lightly.

Somehow after that i never got to see her .

I could never really predict whether it was vast her rich experience that guided me, or whether i was one of those naturally lucky ones, but i had a fairly easy breezy delivery.

It must be great to be a part of a profession where people remember you with the same awe and respect that was aroused by you 25 years ago.

Today's TOI obituary carries the news of her demise.
K Shankari age 93.

Thankyou maam, thankyou and May your soul rest in peace!

mood swings

And then there are some tiring tedious moments, lurking in some days, when nothing, absolutely nothing works.

You feel lonely, In a crowd, In a bus or a train or even a lift filled with people. In a room filled with 'friends'.
You have exhausted the mandatory 7000 words, but the heart is vacant. Alienated alone. All alone.

Mainly because the heart still feels empty. It wants to feel something.....something strong, something moving, as in something not static, like something hmmm something blooming, something vibrantly alive!

Or Someone who makes you feel. Feel all that, or at least some of it. Some one who makes u feel as if you belong, who makes u feel wanted in the world's scheme of things. Someone who makes you feel camouflaged, safely hidden, harmoniously blended, all things miraculously in place.

Some one who reminds you that you are not a sore thumb!

And then sometimes, breaks the bad spell!

At times, its just a familiar smile or look from a stranger, other times a rude awakening by daily trivia, but it pulls back to routine, and sometimes makes you feel replenished all over again.

At well at least Till the next bout!

And then there are those other moments in other days, which ordinarily should be have been as drudgery, but surprisingly are not.

The break in sleep the previous night, which cause a ten minute delay in all aspects of the morning, which then translates to ten minutes late, every where, including the tube train which forces you to take an un regular, more crowded train, and the struggle to wiggle yourself into the sardine tight compartment, with an added worry of protecting a very loose almost, but not fully shed, thumb toenail on the left foot, from being permanently pulled out, through unintentional yet expected trampling, and then you stand waiting thirstily for the ten odd stations to glide by to your work place, as you remember you have forgotten to carry your water bottle, and yet, somewhere the magic begins its work.

You are not sure when it starts rubbing off on you. Is it while you were watching three brown happy tribal teenage girls with their numerous ear piercings (which would have been maddeningly cool in different circumstances ), gaily chattering on the now relatively empty footboard, or the uniformed blue collared employees diligently oiling the railway tracks, in the piercing sun, but u feel a burst of life. Like some new budding leaf still folded tenderly.

Your inner child is suddenly floating free, and she looks empty minded, at the railway tracks, winding and quant, bordered by concreted bricks, imperfect and yet fitting the scene perfectly, the green in the grass, the exact shade it should be, the tiny wild flowers growing around, swaying the exact speed they should be swaying, u feel unfazed by anything, at that moment, not because u r brave, but because there is nothing to feel fazed about,solitude never felt so warmly embracing!

every thing of everything is a perfect part of a perfect whole, and you too are a perfect part of the same perfect whole. And life is beautiful!.

expectations

Strange
indeed is love
It awakens
Only after
u lose
Your
expectations

mourning

Mourning

If you ask me
What business
I have
To choose sadness
On bright sunny mornings
Like these,
Il say
I am mourning
Not for
things
dead and gone
but
For things
That are going to
Die
Before i do.

buy degrees instead of education

Ok i was clearly wrong !

losing out coveted educational seats to some one 200 ranks below you in competitive exams is not the pits

Some privileged people not even even needing an education err degree to succeed is the pits.

After the recent degree exposes, I kinda wonder how stupid we parents are when we impart middle class nonsense of how education is an important way to success

boredom

" u say u are bored! again? yet again?
Has it ever occurred to ask yourself as to What stops u from not being bored. ....the answer is too simple.Talking. Yes talking to somebody always relieves you, albeit temporarily

But 'only talking' soon bores you again. You now want more. You want the talks to mean something. Be something meaningful. Profound. Each and every time. (Well you are not that greedy, but yea almost each time.)

Later, even if you did find profoundness in the talks,cause the gods chose to be just that benevolent to you, you go and spoil the profoundness of the talks by insisting on the integrity of the talker, and or the listener.
Cause once the integrity is doubted, you are bored again.

You once again, crawl back, inch by inch, into that same darkness, that the profoundness had made you leave, and you once again lose the sunshine that was yours just not so long while ago.

Look inwards, somebody mechanically chimes and u wonder 'damn,
what does it even mean?'

Somewhere you stop to think and You are forced to admit to yourself, that, you are bored, because you expect others to be authors who are given the charge to keep you entertained.
As though the profoundness and the integrity is something the world owes you.

No baby, the world owes you nothing, and if boredom is what you perceive, then boredom is what you create. Not something somebody else creates.

Its that simple"

Anger management ( or how i managed to not get angry)

Anger management ( or how i managed to not get angry)

It was one of those unpleasant tasks, that after reaching its tether of procrastination, had to be finally dealt with.

My third sem marksheet for some unknown reason, had been kept in reserve, by the university, and a long tedious process had to be undergone to get it back to the fold.

It involved writing a letter the college, then another letter to the university, a two month  wait for their postal acknowledgement, and then Inquiring at the college if the truant mark sheet was back.

It was more than a month since the postal acknowledgement greeted my door, but i was dillydallying about collecting the cert from  the two clerical staff woman from college who always  knew how to push my buttons, without really trying.

'Shumb' and 'nishumb'  are the two 'rakashishis' who were so habitually impartially rude to all and sundry that im sure that eevn Modi wud have got the condescending  are u stupid vibe rubbed into his face, PM not withstanding if he came a visiting.

 My immediate goal is to get thru the ordeal without losing my temper. Much to the amusement of my fellow students, who always grin as they watch me making a screaming swearing spectacle of my self. Till now i had never succeeded.

I try to enlist hubby, but no luck for he wiggles out too. Those women stress me out too, he pleads.

I  decide to conserve my freshness and energy for the unpleasant task ahead, by opting to take a  rick instead of a bus or walk as i usually do.

Luckily the place is rather empty. No swarming crowds as it usually is.

I ask 'Shumb' for my marksheet.

'Its not come' she answers without batting an eyelid. 'Go collect it from the university! '
'Are u sure? 'I ask, my tone slightly sharp, temper already beginning to rise. 'you haven't even checked'.

Ok, she says and then surprisingly obediently starts to check. No, she says again as she halfheartedly shuffles thru marksheets. Not here.

I am glad! I mean i got thru the ordeal without a scream.
Even if i ddnt get the mark-sheet!

Then i remember i need to collect my graduation marksheet too. The one i had deposited here  two years ago. Another badly procastinated project.

This time  she asks me to wait.

And then  i worry il lose it this time. My temper that is.

I immediately pull out my cell and check my wassap as i wait. Luckily, two active groups and one friend online. I quickly bury myself into multiple conversations, to take the sting off the waiting.

About 15 minutes later, which normally  would have seemed like eternity,  passed surprisingly quick, and she hands me my old  crumbling greying grad marksheet

As i saunter away, I feel grateful  to both ......

shumb as well as the internet world wide web for helping me tide through the self created crisis with commendable dignity and aplomb.

Don't await fruits.

Don't await fruits.

The gardner has a complaint.
People are plucking flowers. I am ok with that. He quickly adds, but this one woman is even breaking branches. Pls talk to her.

I am amused. Happy amused that is. His crestfallen expression is more close to some reaction to a world turmoil. His love for his job and his creation, awes a part of me.

And his wholesome sorrow to his tended plants being manhandled or rather woman handled, bristles me too, a wee bit.

And the other side then remembers Krishna's injunction, Dont await fruits.

I guess It cannot get more clearer than in a gardener's job

— feeling thoughtful.

mortal remains

precious stone-like cherished memories,
Along with a few withered scattered petals,
and some sharp dried thorns....
Mortal remains Of any love story!

of departures

Not once
did you call me
As i was silently leaving,
Nor did i want
To look behind,
One more time

I wonder if

It is the same sadness
that we are both feeling?

dreams

The other day i entered my grandma's room. She was sleeping on her attakatal ( a swing cum bed) and i went and sat right next to her.

She immediately sat up awake, exclaiming " so u came!"

Right from the time, i remember seeing my grandma, she was a toothless woman. But just now, i observed, she had a full set of shinning white teeth!

Oh, it was just a dream.

Dreams i believe were given to us, to connect with the dead!

When a person dies,
what is lost to us,
is not just the physical presence and all that goes with the person. We also lose the subtle everyday nuances of the loved one. Their body language, their smiles, their voice, even their smell! Things we don't even know have been registered nay etched by the unconscious mind.
And All that is seemingly forever lost, is gained by us, again through the medium of dreams.

Dreams are thus a vehicle that give us a briefest tiny glimpse of a dead person in his full vitality, exactly the way he was when he was alive.

Dreams i am sure are those guardian angels that keep our loved ones still alive for us!

destined?

Its all fate
That leads me
Through difficult paths

Whenever I've loved,
I've always desired
impossibilities

So i lose
Even as i win,
For
What i love
most About you
Is your
free spiritedness!

breakups

Now that I have decided
to part ways,
Therr is Just this One thing
Im not so sure about
what should I do 
with the random accumulated memories?
Do i
secretly bury them
Under the carpet,
Or
dump them unceremoniously
In my backyard?
Perhaps
the musty attic
Is where they deserve to lie,
Playthings for spiders
And darkness for a blanket
Maybe
I should simply
Let them lie around,
So that i can
Mindlessly
walk Over them
again and again
Watching them bite the dust!

One thing
im sure though
They certainly needn't
Adorn my walls anymore!

life?

life?
a door
That Unexpectedly opens
Behind which lies
A Beckoning 
Box of
myriad
Secret treasures
Awaiting Plunderous
Delight

We ransack
As we fill the chest
With exciting colourful stories untold

before the door
shuts once more.

hmm love

Love...

Bottled perfume!

Heady 
Fragrant
More importantly
Finite!

woamans' day

This woman's day
O lord,

teach me
to unlearn 
all that ive
been taught
and
all that ive learnt
on how
to be a good
'woman'

Teach me
Instead
on how
to be a good
human being.

Jab we met

Jab we met!

I hear
a distant strain
of a guitar string
faint
yet clear music
the opaque mind
silenced for once
into an effortless
act of listening.
binding me into
temporary
connections!

and
I feel vibrantly
alive.

cactus

Teary smiles,
Rain-bows,
sorrows and joys,
Anxious hopes,
Secure binds,
Prickly blossoms,
Kaleidoscopic games all !

smile

SMILE

Today is a better day.routine work got itself done without hiccups or any clock watching, I get to leave earlier than usual for the job place.

It gets even more good, as i spot a vacant window seat,courtesy ' reservation of seats for women' in BEST buses. I swiftly ease myself into the seat glancing towards the window.

When all of a sudden, a face in the shining metal of the bus arrests my attention.
Its an expression i had always dreaded in my childhood days.
The look of a tired disgruntled middle aged woman.
The face of my mother.

Hey when did i become this person?

I protest at my expression, another part of me feels guilty, of must having been the cause of her weary expression, and another brainwave reminding me, my son isnt the cause of my tired face and so i shudnt feel guilty either.

I do a quick rewind of the just started day......
woke up warm( not uncomfortable chilled to bone)after a full night sleep, energising early morning walk, a full breakfast, cupa of cheery tea. And a window seat to boot!

So whats the deal girl??

Rewind further, things still are rosy. Enuf money to last the week, before the next pay check, studies chugging along (ok here i wish the stupid brain worked faster, but hey i can live with it), no mountains of pending work at office.

So why is the face being ungrateful?

Is it going to be a over crowded 45 minutes journey on the tube, will the computer 'open' today, is the photocopier going to graciously copy....these are the frowning worries i zero in on.

Relax girl, i tell myself firmly!

lets take it one step at a time.
Right now Enjoy the window seat.
Enjoy the scenery.

And for gods sake  give that face a break.

SMILE.

someday

Someday

Someday
I will be through
With running false races,
And all the paraphelia
That comes with it

through with pursuing 'good life'
The way others define it

When i will no longer  blend, to confirm, to win
to stay ahead of the pack,
So that i remain in loops,

That day,

I will thank the sun
for its wondrous rises,
and its magnificent sets,

look at the  roaring seas
and massive mountains with awe,
And.
The brilliance of the universe
Will stare me in my face,
beacon  me, and share their secrets.

And then
from that day,
Living with gratitude
i will finally learn to love.

It has to happen,
Of that im sure,
Someday!

sunny dais

So sunny leone has been voted the most desirable woman in india, in the TOI contest held yearly, beating my fav dips, to a second place.

I dont know whether to applaud the voters who did not play safe and  refused to not publicly acknowledge a porn star, as their most fav gal!

On the other hand,  i wonder any of the voters are finally giving the oldest profession in the world and ancillary industries a respectability, it warrants -  whether deserved, well deserved, etc not being discussed here- and are now ok with their women folk opting to use the same route to make it to the top spot in the list. (maybe tomorrow be aggressively running after coaching classes like they run to kota today)

Sunny herself says its her bindas 'i dont care' attitude towards life, that got her the hot spot.

What she clearly forgot to mention,  is that, she got to get a crack at the spot in the first place, by doing gazillion ten minute films ( which i like i must add) without a stitch of clothing on her and any kind of inhibitions inside of her.

Which must make deepika and other 'also rans' feel terribly cheated!

Just a general candidate in i dia, must feel when he cant get a crack at a seat which 500 ranked below person easily walks away with, due to diff playing fields.

Different set of rules for the same game, always rankle esp where the stakes are high.

I mean how fair is it that deepika gets clobbered for an arial view of her cleavage, and sunny gets the top spot, inspite of bearing both her breasts, left and right, frontal view, a million times, and both by the same audience.

So indirectly are we telling nay pressurising  our glam babes to go topless and of course bottomless, and more, but not in censor coloured films but on the totally uninhibited,  free, in more than one ways, u tube!

And finally In a country, where khaps kill for intercaste conjugal unions and burn women fpr wearing jeans to study, is it even a real honest
public opinion?

Or just a media sham like rest of their shams! ( nepal anyone)

Whatever, a win is a win and congratulations are definitely in order!

Congrats and encore!

shadows

Why
 am i
always so tired?

"Its the shadows
you fight
all day long,
Shadows
that don't even exist."

de cluttering

The current mantra is De cluttering!

Starting with all the old beauty tubes which must have about three days squeeze left, and those un used shampoo shaches  u tend to over buy for a small  journey!

And all clothes not worn for more than 24 months!

And ALL books in the attic!

 Challenging the the mind to declutter the house too!