there may a price
for lessons
needed to acquire learning,
but lessons needed
to acquire wisdom is priceless.
for lessons
needed to acquire learning,
but lessons needed
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
attention!
Stand at ease!
Attention!
i remember this was mostly what all Physical Trainning classes about in school days. how i wish things had remained that simple since.
as an adult, i realise that im an attention craver. so almost every second day, im craving attention. actually all human beings want attention. some want it more, some want it less.i fall in the category where people want it between moderation and extreme attention,.
in my case, most of the attention i get at least on social networking sites, is for my words i put on paper.( i do get attention for the pictures i post, but im through with getting a rush for such kind of attention). the thoughts behind the words. so if i get 10 likes for a post, im grinning ear to ear, but the next day if a write up goes unnoticed, im in the pits...maybe three days later, it picks up, but by then, ive lost interest. cause some other post had gained the attention that i need, so this no longer jars. and the cycle continues.
I wonder if there is any way out of this attention trap? how do u learn to enjoy the attention, and yet not feel bad when the spotlight is not on u.
Attention!
i remember this was mostly what all Physical Trainning classes about in school days. how i wish things had remained that simple since.
as an adult, i realise that im an attention craver. so almost every second day, im craving attention. actually all human beings want attention. some want it more, some want it less.i fall in the category where people want it between moderation and extreme attention,.
in my case, most of the attention i get at least on social networking sites, is for my words i put on paper.( i do get attention for the pictures i post, but im through with getting a rush for such kind of attention). the thoughts behind the words. so if i get 10 likes for a post, im grinning ear to ear, but the next day if a write up goes unnoticed, im in the pits...maybe three days later, it picks up, but by then, ive lost interest. cause some other post had gained the attention that i need, so this no longer jars. and the cycle continues.
I wonder if there is any way out of this attention trap? how do u learn to enjoy the attention, and yet not feel bad when the spotlight is not on u.
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
some unclear musings on warmth
some unclear musings on warmth
all of us knowingly or unknowingly crawl towards another human being, just for getting some warmth...life giving warmth.
reminds me of the sun..
it selflessly gives warmth. without asking any in return. (which is why perhaps, people of olden days would have worshiped the sun.)
human beings however are not able to keep giving warmth selflessly for ever. if u stop getting warmth for too long, the warmth u give becomes increasingly weak and finally dies. its an irreversible rule, that, in order to keep giving warmth, you need to keep getting some too. maybe not in strictly equal proportions, but at least on minimum subsistence levels.
on seconds thoughts, even the sun doesn't give continuous warmth.it goes from early morning warm to basking sunshine to scorching hot to tepid and then disappears for 12 hours altogether, till the next morning. in short, it regulates its warmth.
it also eats itself to put it in layman's language. perhaps for its warmth. and scientists predict that billions of years later, it will just collapse and die. cause it is creating its own warmth instead of getting it from others.
not different from human being who are forced to create their own warmth, i suppose.
all of us knowingly or unknowingly crawl towards another human being, just for getting some warmth...life giving warmth.
reminds me of the sun..
it selflessly gives warmth. without asking any in return. (which is why perhaps, people of olden days would have worshiped the sun.)
human beings however are not able to keep giving warmth selflessly for ever. if u stop getting warmth for too long, the warmth u give becomes increasingly weak and finally dies. its an irreversible rule, that, in order to keep giving warmth, you need to keep getting some too. maybe not in strictly equal proportions, but at least on minimum subsistence levels.
on seconds thoughts, even the sun doesn't give continuous warmth.it goes from early morning warm to basking sunshine to scorching hot to tepid and then disappears for 12 hours altogether, till the next morning. in short, it regulates its warmth.
it also eats itself to put it in layman's language. perhaps for its warmth. and scientists predict that billions of years later, it will just collapse and die. cause it is creating its own warmth instead of getting it from others.
not different from human being who are forced to create their own warmth, i suppose.
tears
Tears
you feel
a lump in the throat,
a thorn in the chest
gut tied is in knots
the clouded mind
muddied, stirred,
stirring more like a tempest
dull ache below the heart
smarting eyes
silently fill up
an effortless glide
down the left cheek
empties the heart heavy,
cleansing sorrows,
freedom yet again.
you feel
a lump in the throat,
a thorn in the chest
gut tied is in knotsthe clouded mind
muddied, stirred,
stirring more like a tempest
dull ache below the heart
smarting eyes
silently fill up
an effortless glide
down the left cheek
empties the heart heavy,
cleansing sorrows,
freedom yet again.
memories
Funny how some things remind u of other old forgotten things.
just now, a kid came knocking at my door, selling a tickets for Rose day..cancer patients aid association.
As i fish out ten bucks, i cant help but remember the lady living above tell me " i always give Atul(my son) money when he comes (for such tickets given by school for distribution)"this is one of the reasons why i never turn any kid away..cause i simply have no idea about how many people atul wud have approached in his school days!
but today what i remembered was something even more distant.
as a student, i was once selling such tickets. unfortunately, by the time i got permission from my parents, to start 'begging', most of the kids had already done numerous rounds, so other parents wudnt take it from me..
in sheet desperation, i turned to a panwalla near my school. i remember his nonplussed expression even now, when i showed him the paper written in english..kya chahiye?(what do u want?) he had raised his eyebrows..he had not used any words.. paisa(money)... i had desperately said, cause i thot he too wud send me packing.. i said a rather huge amount cause i was sure he wouldnt give it anyways. (later i realised why he looked nonplussed ..he perhaps didnt know to read or write english)
he gave it quietly.
i left in immense gratitude. and same time greed was mocking me .... if only i had said a bigger amount, perhaps i wud have got that too!
immediately, after that i got the confidence to do rounds of all shops in the area to finish my target.
somehow today i feel loads of gratitude again, for the illiterate unphad panwalla near my school.
just now, a kid came knocking at my door, selling a tickets for Rose day..cancer patients aid association.
As i fish out ten bucks, i cant help but remember the lady living above tell me " i always give Atul(my son) money when he comes (for such tickets given by school for distribution)"this is one of the reasons why i never turn any kid away..cause i simply have no idea about how many people atul wud have approached in his school days!
but today what i remembered was something even more distant.
as a student, i was once selling such tickets. unfortunately, by the time i got permission from my parents, to start 'begging', most of the kids had already done numerous rounds, so other parents wudnt take it from me..
in sheet desperation, i turned to a panwalla near my school. i remember his nonplussed expression even now, when i showed him the paper written in english..kya chahiye?(what do u want?) he had raised his eyebrows..he had not used any words.. paisa(money)... i had desperately said, cause i thot he too wud send me packing.. i said a rather huge amount cause i was sure he wouldnt give it anyways. (later i realised why he looked nonplussed ..he perhaps didnt know to read or write english)
he gave it quietly.
i left in immense gratitude. and same time greed was mocking me .... if only i had said a bigger amount, perhaps i wud have got that too!
immediately, after that i got the confidence to do rounds of all shops in the area to finish my target.
somehow today i feel loads of gratitude again, for the illiterate unphad panwalla near my school.
Thursday, 13 September 2012
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
roles
i had just met a new person. i was in a hurry to leave, and couldn't do justice to the meeting..towards the end, this new person said," i wont be able to drop u at ur place, since ive got to go elsewhere". i shook hands and left..some how i got the lingering feeling that he was upset that i didnt give him the allotted time.
an hour later, he called up,"hope u dont mind that i didnt drop u".
now, to be honest, it did grate a bit, but i said,"No, of course"
"cool" he said.
after I kept the phone aside, i observed a few things..
the conversation could have gone this way too..."Actually, yes, i did feel a bit bad, after all where u were going was not a different path from where i was going.(after all u are the guy and supposed to be chivalrous...of course i wont say this aloud, but my tone would definitely include this non verbal message..".
if i had done that, two things could have happened.
he wud have decided that i was too demanding(after all it was the first meeting), and decided I was not worth the while. so a budding friendship would have died out just like that.
Or we would have fallen in a pattern.
The humane goodness in him would feel obliged to pander to my hurts, the next time we meet. even though he mite be totally in a position not to do it. The relationship would have perhaps been defined in this way ie we would have got stuck in roles.... me of a person who demands, he as a person who fulfills..the relationship would continue, till the time he is through with the unfair demands of the role.
By not creating a role for him, or for myself( i didnt wait just to oblidge him), i created a rather role free relationship.
where we are or will be friends, and we wont need roles to help us be friends...maybe the friendship will last longer when there are no minute roles to play.
an hour later, he called up,"hope u dont mind that i didnt drop u".
now, to be honest, it did grate a bit, but i said,"No, of course"
"cool" he said.
after I kept the phone aside, i observed a few things..
the conversation could have gone this way too..."Actually, yes, i did feel a bit bad, after all where u were going was not a different path from where i was going.(after all u are the guy and supposed to be chivalrous...of course i wont say this aloud, but my tone would definitely include this non verbal message..".
if i had done that, two things could have happened.
he wud have decided that i was too demanding(after all it was the first meeting), and decided I was not worth the while. so a budding friendship would have died out just like that.
Or we would have fallen in a pattern.
The humane goodness in him would feel obliged to pander to my hurts, the next time we meet. even though he mite be totally in a position not to do it. The relationship would have perhaps been defined in this way ie we would have got stuck in roles.... me of a person who demands, he as a person who fulfills..the relationship would continue, till the time he is through with the unfair demands of the role.
By not creating a role for him, or for myself( i didnt wait just to oblidge him), i created a rather role free relationship.
where we are or will be friends, and we wont need roles to help us be friends...maybe the friendship will last longer when there are no minute roles to play.
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
indian second class trains
1st traveld in 2nd class passenger trains in '75. at that time the berths were wooden. it was fr me lv at first site. later berths were padded with foam. morarji desai. years later, 3 and 2tire ACs, aeroplanes ,stil 2 class holds spot of first love. fr me da journey really starts rite from da min it pulls into da platform. today whn it pulls in im dismayd at the dirty hovel feel. whats wrong? i think ive finally outgrown my first love...no ways, he consoles,the bogey is exceptionaly dirty dats all.
friends
whose scorching heat helps heal
tear out old our festering wounds and make us whole again
somebody whom we want to pamper and be pampered by
not only because we supposed to
not only because we feels responsible, but because we want to
somebody who doesnt
grudge us our space
and demands theirs equally.
somebody who fights with us to
understand us with words or without words..
and also fights to make us understand theirs
somebody who is there in our, and keeps us in their
thoughts, head and heart
even when not being there.
well, just somebody who is always there.
for whom u want to be always there.
no matter what.
grudge us our space
and demands theirs equally.
somebody who fights with us to
understand us with words or without words..
and also fights to make us understand theirs
somebody who is there in our, and keeps us in their
thoughts, head and heart
even when not being there.
well, just somebody who is always there.
for whom u want to be always there.
no matter what.
disown
class
there is a certain class in even flaunting ur lack of class.but if u choose to be offended at being classified as no class (which u are very aware of) then its the pits of classlessness.
for example, rakhi sawant had a unique class, when she flaunted her lack of class, with a cudnt care less attitude.
now, when she was to pretend that she is all culture and all class, whens he wants to confirm, blend in with respectability, after years of flaunting her lack of concerns of respectability, she comes across as the wannabe that she has finally turned out to be
Badrinath
The great saree auction at Badrinath templefor a person, who, when forced to choose, prefers to classify herself as an atheist, it is a rather odd place to visit. but as luck would have it, i got the chance to visit this temple without much efforts on my part.
After leisurely bathing in the sulphur hot springs,.....this part i loved i must say........ i went with two other ladies, to visit the
shrine,and after three rounds of pradikashina, i settled on the rug carpet, and waited for them, while they chose to complete 108 rounds.
the rugs of course was filled with lots of shardhalus, most of them reading from various small tiny religious books, while picking on the beads of their rosaries..there is something about faith that always overwhelms me..maybe its my sheer incapacity to feel faithful .....but the raw unshakable faith of the people who throng in any temple,always always overwhelms me and turns into a lump at my throat.
which is when suddenly the action began.
there i was sitting quietly on the rug interestedly watching the people, when suddenly an apparent office bearer of the temple strode in, took his place behind a big iron trunk, which was also his regular desk. He firs yelled at people who were sitting close to his trunk. the rudeness was not with malice..it seemed more of a calculated time and tested way of crowd management with least hassles.
most people moved..i stayed put. my knees were hurting enough(from the 14 km trek downhill the previous day) to not want to make me move..and i was not that close to his trunk anyways.
he then scooped out a huge bundle of something wrapped in a green clothe, and threw it a little away from where i sat..another person who was his assistant, immediately threw open the bundle.. in tumbled sarees, dhothis, shirt and pant pieces(Raymond i heard him say), even just pieces of clothes , and children clothes and vests(?)!..
before i could guess what it was all about, i heard one sharadhalu tell the guy behind the trunk, please keep one saree and two dhothis separately for me.. my interest was piqued, when i heard a rude reply......u concentrate on your prayers!
then the mela began..lots women ran towards the sarees, and started skillfully checking for best pieces.
''this..keep this for me", " how much for this", etc etc.
soon it started reaching funny proportions.
people....men and women started jostling each other, scampering for the clothes. at one point,the guy actually had to stand on his desk cum trunk to get some order to the scene..especially, some people who were trying to siphon off some of the smaller pieces of clothes, without paying for them. i was marveling at his single handed control of the situation.
which is when one particular saree caught my eye..and hey pestro i was part of the trade!.
i picked up two sarees, mom wud be pleased, i hoped, and then remembered that i had not carried any money..the women with me had, (at least i hoped they had), so I told the guy to keep my sarees pending, till i got the money. he willingly obliged..he apparently was used to such requests.
an hour later, while i was waiting for my friends to finish their 108 rounds, and wondering whether i shud give up on the sarees, he looked at me..where is ur money?
i gave him a im still waiting for the money kind of look...
where are ur sarees, he asked?
i gave them to u. i say
i cant find them he says.
.u kept it around there i say...
.he starts searching for 'my' sarees..
when he gives a triumphant shout. i found my lost spectacles...u are lucky for me.
.i smile, and he started searching for my sarees again.
.which is when he gives another yelp..my second pair of spectacles too..you are indeed lucky..dhanya hai..
i smile again..hoping he wud find sarees too, which he finally did.
so now the atheist is the proud owner of two sarees touched by Lord badrinath!
the rugs of course was filled with lots of shardhalus, most of them reading from various small tiny religious books, while picking on the beads of their rosaries..there is something about faith that always overwhelms me..maybe its my sheer incapacity to feel faithful .....but the raw unshakable faith of the people who throng in any temple,always always overwhelms me and turns into a lump at my throat.
which is when suddenly the action began.
there i was sitting quietly on the rug interestedly watching the people, when suddenly an apparent office bearer of the temple strode in, took his place behind a big iron trunk, which was also his regular desk. He firs yelled at people who were sitting close to his trunk. the rudeness was not with malice..it seemed more of a calculated time and tested way of crowd management with least hassles.
most people moved..i stayed put. my knees were hurting enough(from the 14 km trek downhill the previous day) to not want to make me move..and i was not that close to his trunk anyways.
he then scooped out a huge bundle of something wrapped in a green clothe, and threw it a little away from where i sat..another person who was his assistant, immediately threw open the bundle.. in tumbled sarees, dhothis, shirt and pant pieces(Raymond i heard him say), even just pieces of clothes , and children clothes and vests(?)!..
before i could guess what it was all about, i heard one sharadhalu tell the guy behind the trunk, please keep one saree and two dhothis separately for me.. my interest was piqued, when i heard a rude reply......u concentrate on your prayers!
then the mela began..lots women ran towards the sarees, and started skillfully checking for best pieces.
''this..keep this for me", " how much for this", etc etc.
soon it started reaching funny proportions.
people....men and women started jostling each other, scampering for the clothes. at one point,the guy actually had to stand on his desk cum trunk to get some order to the scene..especially, some people who were trying to siphon off some of the smaller pieces of clothes, without paying for them. i was marveling at his single handed control of the situation.
which is when one particular saree caught my eye..and hey pestro i was part of the trade!.
i picked up two sarees, mom wud be pleased, i hoped, and then remembered that i had not carried any money..the women with me had, (at least i hoped they had), so I told the guy to keep my sarees pending, till i got the money. he willingly obliged..he apparently was used to such requests.
an hour later, while i was waiting for my friends to finish their 108 rounds, and wondering whether i shud give up on the sarees, he looked at me..where is ur money?
i gave him a im still waiting for the money kind of look...
where are ur sarees, he asked?
i gave them to u. i say
i cant find them he says.
.u kept it around there i say...
.he starts searching for 'my' sarees..
when he gives a triumphant shout. i found my lost spectacles...u are lucky for me.
.i smile, and he started searching for my sarees again.
.which is when he gives another yelp..my second pair of spectacles too..you are indeed lucky..dhanya hai..
i smile again..hoping he wud find sarees too, which he finally did.
so now the atheist is the proud owner of two sarees touched by Lord badrinath!
on acceptance
no malice, is acceptance..
when we say accept me as i am, its not easy.
what i feel is that acceptance of a person does not include having to put up with 'bad' behaviour..
end of the day, if u have no malice towards the other, thats acceptance..in the true spirits of the word.
gratitude
every person who is or was in ur life deserves gratitude!cause every person who comes into ur life,or who has come into ur life and who will come into ur life, has or will share with you something most important to him...
a part of himself.
resigned silences
i become alittle less flesh, a little more stone
everytime u go away
its a little more less
like comming home
we both fear the waves
the rough angry seas
u want to drift away
i want to hold on!
everytime u go away
there is a still uneasy silence, no calm
we expertly offer wounds
but cant offer balm
but everytime u go away
what i fear the most
is the yet again, easy acceptances
of our resigned silences.
creator's dilemna
create the world
out of loneliness,a need
to share his love untold ?
so beautiful a world he created,
did he exult at his magnificent creation
so nurtured with love
so soaked with thoughtful affection
did he then again
feel heart wrenching sorrow
to see his wonderful creation
go beyond him, in the wake of the morrow ?
is he able to remain calm
arrest his needy thoughts galore
of how his loving creation
needs him not anymore
they now thrive without him,
they have a life of their own,
does he want to disappear?
or just join in as one of their own?
did he exult at his magnificent creation
so nurtured with love
so soaked with thoughtful affection
did he then again
feel heart wrenching sorrow
to see his wonderful creation
go beyond him, in the wake of the morrow ?
is he able to remain calm
arrest his needy thoughts galore
of how his loving creation
needs him not anymore
they now thrive without him,
they have a life of their own,
does he want to disappear?
or just join in as one of their own?
if only u knew!
If only u knew
how u sneak into my head
in so many different ways,
everything i see, touch, and smell..
is a story about us.
how u sneak into my head
in so many different ways,
everything i see, touch, and smell..
is a story about us.
happiness
it sits like a whisper,
can't move or breathe,
if it flies... oh the fear!.
oh happiness,
who do u come in a loud,
boisterous way
and yet leave silently unannounced?
u intrude my life,
u leave me in pain,
(I didnt invite u, I had no say)
but the butterfly flits away again!
oh happiness,
who do u come in a loud,
boisterous way
and yet leave silently unannounced?
u intrude my life,
u leave me in pain,
(I didnt invite u, I had no say)
waiting
for something,
not sure
what it is
im waitng for
there is nothing
that i can think of
that i need
yet
there is an eternal wait
at the back of a busy mind.
if the wait
leaves me alone,
releases me,
i know
yet
there is an eternal wait
at the back of a busy mind.
if the wait
leaves me alone,
releases me,
i know
il find my peace
il find my joy, my bliss,
but till the wait
refuses to release me
il have to toil and wait
for whatever it is
im is waiting for.
il find my joy, my bliss,
but till the wait
refuses to release me
il have to toil and wait
for whatever it is
im is waiting for.
birth pangs
numbed mindinternal revolutions
internal storms
struggling not to erupt
a cloud burst in the offing
shifting fast like desert sand dunes.
Birth pangs!
struggling not to erupt
a cloud burst in the offing
shifting fast like desert sand dunes.
Birth pangs!
welcoming unwelcome changes
i am moultinglosing my scales
its a nondescript feeling
there are no wails
i am cutting
the dead wood
its a nondescript feeling
i know i should
there is no pleasure
of tying up loose ends whatsoever
pain though of losing
the dead wood
its a nondescript feeling
i know i should
there is no pleasure
of tying up loose ends whatsoever
pain though of losing
the baby with the bathwater.
life goes on, it has to,
hopes there will be no new skin
to be shed,no more dead wood
to be chopped and thrown in the bin.
and if there are any,
well, thats life :)
life goes on, it has to,
hopes there will be no new skin
to be shed,no more dead wood
to be chopped and thrown in the bin.
and if there are any,
well, thats life :)
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