conflicts

conflicts

This is a topic that has always interested me. Maybe because perhaps they seem to affect me more than most normal people I know. I seem to be part of a tiny crowd, that seems to get extremely worked up over issues that most people I know, wouldnt waste more than a single minute on, before moving on.

In fact, today morning, while i was ruminating over the same subject, staring out of my 'window seat', ironically a part of me, was in anxiety. I had got a seat, right at the beginning of the bus, and the bus conductor simply seemed to not want to come to my place and issue me the ticket, the more he delayed, the anxious i got, all ill at ease, till he issued me the ticket and absolved me of the responsibility of having to buy it.

So what do we mean by conflict? For me the definition is very simple.. Anything, that adversely effects my peace of mind is a conflict. Anything that mars the stillness of a calm mind, that creates unintentional ripples, that makes me feel less than well, ie affects my sense of wellness,is conflict.

some conflicts are temporary...like the aforesaid conflict.it ended when the ticket was issued to me, tranquility restored instantly. On the other hand there are other conflicts that are not temporary. they keep reoccurring at regular intervals.

The ones that keep my mind ticking at an alarming rate. whenever there is yet another conflict, over a similar issue, with the same person, my mind is in disarray..I am so put off by the person, i wish to avoid the situations.by going to any lengths, that keep making us take the same road of squabbles and disagreements again and again.

while most people find it silly to keep prodding the brain, to keep harping at the same issue over and over, and prefer to ignore such present and potentially future occurrences as a tiny necessary evil, i am unable to let go,sometimes even for days on end, till ive ran each and every word uttered on both sides through my head, each expression, each hidden agenda, each cue 'missed at first,but flashed later in the head' till something clicks .. some new understanding of the situation,or the person, that had been missed the first time, in the jigsaw puzzle, so as to say!.

However, even conflicts can have different concoctions.

Often, it happens taht even if you are in conflict with the same person,over the same issue at regular intervals, yet the goodwill is not lost, and communication is restarted, after the fight, is as if on a clean slate. There are others areas of past, present, and future communication that still inspires a sense of being connected.

Other times, it just doesnt work. its such conflicts that i find most difficult, even impossible to bear.... conflicts with people, whose infinite unending capacity to harm, my peace of mind. There is simply no other shared good memories, to bring about clean slates, (or perhaps, our value systems are so different) any amount of goodwill cannot wipe the dread.
Recently, i had blocked (stopped communicating completely with) a few people from both, the virtual as well the real world.

The reason, I realize as an afterthought, is not that i have no inherent love for them, but because i have become unable to trust their capacity, not to topple the equilibrium of my mind anymore. They are in my minds eye,people still capable of harm. and as long as they are capable of harm, im unable to communicate even at a minimum social level with them.

Such conflicts can end only, either when one of the two sides is dead, or if both sides are ready to keep open all channels of communication, twenty four seven, time after time, without fail. This is a near impossible task, for if either side, knew how to do it, the situation wouldnt have reached this far, this low, in the first place.