lonliness- my brand

one of my favorite topic..loneliness

for years, i've been trying to pin down whats loneliness means to me, and more importantly,what should I do, to shake off that off that awful stretching unending feeling of loneliness , whenever it grips me like some dark strong ruthless monster
..... while in the throes of such loneliness, and though it mite not last more than a couple of hours,  it seems like an never ending torture, and each time, i feel i may never survive it this time. but survive u do, until the next bout hits u.

when i look back, i don't remember ever feeling lonely during my pre- school and school days.

I think i got acquainted with this odd feeling loneliness after i joined college.

that's when i first realized i was not able to mingle with people that easily. i noticed that while most of the girls were able to form friendships with ease, i kept moving from one group to another, in a way, searching, so as to fit in somewhere easily smoothly, and though i found it easy to form some close friendships with some individual members of a group,I cud never adopt a group wholly.

i found that i didn't feel as energized ,while i was going through all the motions of listening, performing, all the activities that the people as a group performed as i did while interacting with individual members of the same group.

most of all, if i look back, what i remember most, was being hounded with this vague feeling of being almost always bored.

if i look back, i observe that marriage , motherhood, didn't change things much either, nor did my taking up of jobs. that vague feeling of boredom always persisted.

so then how do i define my brand of loneliness ? loneliness for me, is the feeling i have to face when im not able to get/ receive the kind of energy, i want, from whatever source the universe has to offer..the energy could come, say from a thought, or a book, or a movie, or even an advertisement, a stray remark....anything anything....

i can patiently fritter away a whole of my day's time, waiting for the suddenly unannounced appearing 'energizer' to weave its magic, and leave me replenished, till the coffers are empty again, but when im at the low end of the stock, and it takes its time coming to me, that's when i start to feel the pangs of loneliness.

i then scrounge for the energy, and the more i scrounge, the more lonely i feel..