Chimera

that you are
a chimera
becomes clearer and clearer
with each passing day
yet
something compels
me
to patiently wait
for ever passing time
to take it's regular course
and
boldly underline
in harsh
black and white
the illusionary  nature of us!

Two cities.

(Pune diaries!)

Two cities........Mumbai and Pune!

One I've lived (and passionately loved, right though its bad phase of communal riots, and  rechristenings, and bomb blasts and cloudbursts ) my entire life and one I'm living in right now.

Comparision is of course inevitable!

The first thing that majorly  catches your attention about Pune  is  the people.

The average Punekar  is naturally more relaxed, more accepting of any circumstance,  more rule abiding, and basically silent as he goes about his daily chores with a somewhat clockwise precision, unlike the  hotchpotch Mumbai pulse.  ( I sincerely  secretly fear I might  permanently contaminate the city, for the worse, with my super hyper anxiety energy)!

I'm purposely  refraining from using the term laid back, though sometimes to my Mumbai trained mind,  it does seem so, almost as if Pune was the heaven for Mumbaikars, who just  couldn't keep Pace!.

Here, other than the vehicles, both two and four wheelers.....I  got brushed by a bus almost immediately on arrival...... nobody is in a hurry  to reach anywhere. And maybe because of that,  everything everywhere  seem  more spacious, more accommodating, more accepting,  and hardly  claustrophobic,  unlike Mumbai where the roads, the shops, malls, theatres, railway stations, all of which are always always   crowded and over crowded with people,  people, and people!.

My first experience of the slow and steady mantra of Pune came to me when I went to purchase the mandatory bucket, mugs, soaps, toothpaste and miscellaneous stuff usually needed when you set shop, rather a  new house in my case!

The oldish​ guy at the counter has all the time in his plodding world. He takes his time to select each item I requisition with individual care that of course, makes me rather impatient.

The Mumbaiya in me, ​ slides open the  display shelf, to select the tiffin box he seems not inclined to show me..(he has already shown two) while he exasperatedly( even this is slow motion btw)  says...Why do you think I am here. That's my job. Relax and let me handle it.
I let myself lose my urgency,  which if you think about it, is more of a habit than a need,  and decide to go with the flow!

First lesson learned!....

There is absolutely no need to rush mandatory shopping( which is  unlike window shopping which is deliberately slow, which is any ways is more of retail therapy, than a need,  for the ever stressed Mumbai woman).

In Pune,  mandatory shopping can be retail therapy too!

And I must grudgingly accept, Pune is growing on me, minute by minute!

I see...

I see
When I involuntarily mumble,
I love you, yet again,
in my gushing imagination,

a non committal look
that  knows not
what to say or do
how can the tender remain unscratched?...

a look
that which has stopped weighing intentions,
life lessons learned long ago..

But most of all,
I see ( and love)
Your richly amused smile!

Tell me

Changed.it a bit.for FB

Tell me
she asks gaily,
with a teasing  careless smile,
a smile
that one can die for
every time
it's spreads
Across that face,
Why should I love you?

Why? 
he echoes ,
because
as much as you
may have been loved,
By many ere me....

tell me
truly,
did anyone love you
right from the grey
in your wordly wise hair
to the painted ten toenails
of your tiny dainty two feet?

to the tiny nipples
Of your life giving bossom,
on your loving chest,
which hides your lovely heart
Tucked safely
Inside ?

Was there ever anybody,
who has loved
every word
that fell from
Those lovely red  lips,
and every longing look
your soulful eyes bestow?

Anybody
at all, my love,
who found it
so babylike easy
to love your ticking heartbeats,
and to be in perfect harmony
With your every breathe
and  soul?!

Losing

Tongue tied,
morning to night
I watch myself
Fall out of love with you.

My eyes 
Mildly moist,
but only just so
hopes 
to eventually see
differently...

but right now,
Silently it watches
you fumble
as you keep losing
bits and more bits of me
and us
keeps getting
smaller and smaller,

My heart
sorrowful
in the impending void
Before life
fills it up again,
As life usually does......
nature abhors  vaccums...

Ah selfish mind,
losing you hurts less
watching  the unknowing you
losing us somehow hurts more.

First day of law class

'6.59.. do u wanna go to college today or not?"
hubby shakes me awake rudely.
i rub my eyes. Its a clear day today....that being the first condition for me to be able to  attend college..(the burns  that i sustained about two weeks back , and the untiring  Mumbai rains kept me grounded at home for at least ) 6.59 am doesnt give me time for much, i think, as i need to leave by 7.15 at least to reach by 7.30. the college is just a drive away, some solace that!.

i idly wonder if the students wud think i was an unmarried  eccentric old lady,  since i was a skirt(courtesy burns). nobody seemed to notice, or at least nobody asked anything.

while most parents, father or mother were standing at various roads, waiting with their wards for the school bus, my son gave me a piggy back on his bike to reach me to my alma mater, 7.30 sharp.

just like that first day in  NM college in 1983, the whole class is filled to the brim. but unlike that time, the last benches were taken..the first bench was empty. i plonked myself on the first bench close to the exit wall, and turned to the lady behind..have u been attending the lectures last week?..
she grinned . my first day too..here's the time table, and the teachers...i just got it from the guys behind me..i grin back , as i copy the timetable, in haste.

enters one sir, (whom i had seen on the ground floor.), and i wait in eager anticipation for the first lecture.

imagine my disappointment, when i realise that the place from where i am sitting, the board is shinning...some things never change, do they? also, i cud hardly hear anything he was teaching, and not at all helped by the whole class buzzing with conversations.

i was almost ruing having this college, when I took courage and told him i cudnt hear much of what he was saying...that is when he said..........ur teacher is not here.

oh, wow, first lecture free lecture!.

i decided to visit the canteen,  and found four girls also wanting to see it, and since as  a good student in 83-88 years, i had not stepped in the college canteen for more than 3 times in five years,i was determined to correct it, this time at least.

though the canteen was an apology, i was still thrilled enough, to use my BB to send a pic of it to my friends.

i also inquired about the college library.im thrilled, three continious  years of books... 5th floor. somebody says,...lift not for students..ah, il check it later, i decide, when my leg heals.

then the topic turned to reference books to be brought. when somebody spotted the topper of the college...he will give a good idea of what books we need to refer to...the girls rush, i follow lazily....other guys watching him being serenaded by 15 odd ladies.

then its time for the second lecture.. the sir for labor laws, is not good, the girls insist, im sitting anyway, i insist, and they  follow me, and i firmly change my seat to a first bench where i can see the blckboard clearly and hopefully would be more audible.

the sir started dictating notes on I D Act 1947 (industrial Disputes Act..for the uninitiated :P, and im  back to taking notes in a so so handwriting..and believe my fingers started to ache.

though class wud finish at 10.50m i leave at 10.30, I call up son to leave me at Kandivali Stn for my job.

and that ends the first day of college.

Vigils

When nothing is really wrong
And nothing is too right either
When you want to wisely hold on
But also wish to smoulder

You are afraid of breaking hearts
But  can also hear you heart break
Is this the right feeling, that's taking over
Or is it just another trying fake

What's the right action, is it inaction?
Will  doing nothing, make it go away,
Or should the crazy thoughts be vocalised,
What is the most silent safe sane way??

Morose, listless, despair
the minutes of the days just go on
Nobody knows enough to know,
Nobody sees anything wrong.

Oh selfesteem, what your worth,
Why do you seek an alien eye,
Can't you know, you need no other,
You are your own guy.

So this too will pass,
And   there will  be sunshine instead,
Ah, all i need to really really do
Is to keep up the vigil for ahead.

Peep into tommorrow

Today
It feels
like  sunlight
On my open window
Endless
rays and rays
Streaming through
I beam
At the spreading
Brightness all over....
This freedom from you!

Tommorrow
is another day,
And I may not
Feel the same
So let me watch
it in awe today
Soak in the sheer joy
Of this lack of your shadow
Today,
this day!

The gazers...

It was one of those quentessential office triangles.

Till Medha  had walked Into the picture, Neeta and Raghu had a tiny thing for each other, expressed though friendly gazes. But after she entered the scene, their equation developed a slight change, and the three of them together became an awesome threesome.

Raghu was a master of gazes!. Both Neeta and Medha thought they were good gaze guessers too!. Often all three spent wonderful evenings talking less and gazing  more at each another over drinks and food.

Raghu progressively began to vacillate between  both of them, first with an over confident swagger, then with halting wary steps and lastly resigned dejection, and the whole thing turned out to be a huge  deal breaker for all three of them. 

Unfortunately for him, neither girl wanted him, once his shameless truth was out! Of course mostly gazes, lesser amount of words were used to spell the new equations out.

However, since there was much more than jealous bickering amongst him and  the girls,along with  some real good time bonding, after the initial melt downs and show downs, they  still managed to remain friends.

Even after they had moved to different jobs in different parts of the  city.

Though the girls never met  Raghu again, he always made it a point to call Medha once a month. Neeta also called  every fifth day  to also mention of how Raghu was still in touch.  yeah,  I got a call too, Medha would offer, but later she gave up, since she felt that it upset Neeta, for not having  that one extra shred of love.

And anyway Medha realised, not every time he called Neeta, did he also call her. so then the vibes Neeta wanted to give her..listen. You are important to him, but I am more important, was perhaps not too wrong.

And finally, since nobody was technically Involved with the other, after the initial irritation at the subtle one up manship, or firm conviction,whichever way you see it, it really didn't matter  to Medha after  a point!

That particular day, however, Raghu was in Neeta's side of the town, and somehow found time to meet her. One thing led to another, till an impromptu meeting of all three was fixed.

It was sheer joy, catching up, all past trespasses forgotten and love overflowing. Till it was time to leave.

Raghu offered to drop Medha home,  but Medha refused. After all, she gazed, somewhere Neeta is more important to you.

Raghu gazed, no, where did you get that from?.  But Medha' gaze insisted on playing martyr.   Raghu gazed hard one last time,  before they dispersed.

It took Medha almost a week to read Raghu's last gaze...who allotted you second spot?  It was not me. You are hell bent on acting on a grading which was decided between yourselves, without consulting me. I am not going to rescue you. If you had cared enough, you would have faught, not caved in so easy.

So, then don't forget,  It is  you, not me!