the closure

The closure.

It was nine months since Sudha and Rahul had started seeing each other or dating, as the youngsters these days term it. And it was about six months ago that she had realised that this was going to be more than a passing fancy. And last but not the least, three years since she became a widow.

Initially she was reluctant to even contemplate Rahul's offer of 'frienship with potential for something more serious'. Though it was well into the second year of widowhood; though most well wishers especially her parents ( and suraj's too) had subtlely encouraged her to 'go and live life again' she wasn't very sure. Being widowed at an odd age like 41 had its disadvantages. She was not too young to feel justified in "changing wagons" immediately, and yet she was young enough to want and long for that companion in life who would give her the sense of completeness.

Rahul was a convenient option;
It was more or less, a long distance relationship, since he was constantly on tours throughout, , and they dated in as little as just twice a month, but, that bit, in fact suited her. She felt committed enough, to want to keep the relationship going, and yet not committed enough, to want to take it to the next level.

Also, initially she had found herself comparing Rahul with suraj too often. Especially when they disagreed on something. That's not how Suraj wud have handled it, or that's not how he would have seen it, Or that's not what he wud have said was her oft silent and tearful refrain on such occassions. Certain days, when Rahul seemed distant,or preoccupied, with his never endin work, she missed Suraj.

If only if he had not died on me, I wudnt have been in this situation of having to MAKE things work, she rued.
Such days she found herself wishing suraj had not abandoned her like that.. Even after two years she cud still remember his walk,his talks, his smiles, his laughs, all his tiny unique mannerisms deeply imbedded in her brain.

Denial is a wonderful thing indeed! When suraj had been first diagonised with the terminal illness, he had finally sucumbed to, for the first few days she had been in a numb tearless state. Then she saw light! He'll pull thru, she decided firmly. And after that she was unshakeable in her belief. During the two years while he battled his illness, and when his health sometimes improved, sometimes slipped, her inner peace never waivered. No way he will die, was her steadyfast faith.

Now almost three years after his death, she was still in another kind of denial. How can he be dead if he is so alive in my head? I mean I know he is no more, but for me he is vibrantly alive. I can still predict what his reactions to a particular situation will be. How he wud laugh, whether it wud be throaty one or an amused snicker or a gloating smile, how wud he be standing, what wud be the expression...everything, every thing. So then to me he is more alive than some people who r alive but I don't care much about". That's how she rationalised it.

Rahul, was in some ways very different from Suraj. If suraj had pampered her weaknesses like a child, Rahul expected her to be more mature. Not expected as in a conscious expectation, but his reaction to her regular womanly tantrums was always intectual. Unlike suraj who wud hug and kiss her. After teasing her, whenever she was being temperamental. Rahul used Logic and reason instead. It took her some to start adapting to the new system.

Then it so happened that one day Rahul cancelled yet another date, She was walking to her office on a busy street when his "sorry girl" voice travelled over the phone."My work will last a week more, so I can be with u only next week".

"This is the third time, Rahul!" she said swallowing hard " are u sure u want to be with me?" And even as she was asking him that question, there popped an image of Rahul in her head..of how serious his expression would be while would truthfully contemplate her question and come up with, "yes, I am sure!" The image made her smile thru her ire. And at the same time, she caught her reflection in somebody's car window. She recognised her face as that of a woman in love! A woman who was having a lovers tiff. A woman who was snug in the knowledge that she was fighting with HER man.

Startlingly, it flashed, that these days, she no longer remembered Suraj that regularly. Somewhere along the way Rahul had made his place in her memories. And her mind was no longer seeing her and Suraj as a couple with Rahul as the new entrant. Instead it saw her as being with Rahul. No Suraj.

"So, that means I'm free at last. Rahul is finally mine. Or rather I'm finally Rahuls".

The closure was complete.