Exuberance

Today as i take my daily walk to the station,  and reach a  short cut, consisting of a narrow lane, so narrow, that only one person can comfortably pass through, I see  this young pre primary school girl, yellow blazer, smart light blue denim knee length skirt, hair neatly pony tied, both sides, and an umbrella doubling like a walking stick, with her grandfather.

She is a bit ahead of her grandfather, I cut cross her grandfather, and want to pass her too, but she quickly quickens her steps.

She is tapping the umbrella, and humming a tune, even as she is doggedly keeping ahead.

I love it that she is totally awake, ( unlike some sleepy weepy kids I've seen, other times), and somewhere where the lane ends, she turns back to her grandfather..dadduu, you are slow.

I am old, he mutters.

I am grown up now, she says!.

Reminds me of me at her age, a person raring to go!

I wonder how long will they let her be this wonderful person.

Before they try and  eventually manage to pull down her natural exuberance with those million rules. As though no person has a right to be happy going to school.

Or like my bosses reaction at my exuberance on my first job..office is not a picnic, just get that! He had exasperatedly said. (You are not supposed to be happy working, dammit..).

Marriage should  mean responsibilities, not fun, running to and fro to Kerala, every two months...... This my mom.

Though I would have loved to walk three steps behind the girl, till she reached her school, I have a deadline to keep, so edge past her ahead, after mentally saluting her spiritedness.

On giving birth

It really started on 17th, at about 11.30, after all around had settled for the night .

But inexperience made me think it was indigestion, By 3 am, I was worried it was the thing..

My sister who woke up , to see me agonising says..., oh poor you, didn't you sleep? .Wait, il call mom.

Mom had an anticipatory smile, yeah..It's time she says.

My fast asleep bro, irritated, to be awakened so early, cries, of course not, it can't be time, don't be silly ..Let a guy sleep for God's sake.

Dad's away on work,  hubby at his place, so neighbouring uncle steps in, and off we all go, to the hospital, as precision planned.

A small hitch....  my regular doctor is on vacation.
Oooops, its a  male doctor who walks in.

But at least, he looks nice and comforting..I'm shivering with cold,( the huge matron scared me into keeping the fan on, after I had switched it off twice..Who is switching off the fan, she had roared, while I had pretended not to hear).
Right now all I  want is it off..Badly ..Very badly...If only somebody stood up for me and switched it off, right into the matrons face, I would be fine,  I think..

My new doc, asks me what's wrong..I'm cold, I whimper,  and she won't let me switch off the fan.

She is stupid, don't mind her, he says brightly, switching off the fan for me.

I am glad..I have my saviour..Now nothing can go wrong, I decide.

Three or maybe five hours later I'm not so sure..The struggle is just not ending..I remember the pact me and hubby had...If it's a boy, we opt for another, or we stop at one.

To hell, I  decide unilaterally, boy or girl, this is the last!......I'm through with making babies for a life time.

As if on cue, the imp  pops out, victorious!

The waiting

Waiting.

Is it about me,
when it's about you,
or about you,
when about you,
or is it about only me always,
while I wait,
and wait for you?

The adult knows
it has to  wait, patiently,
saddened or not,
while the child waits
Isolated, lonely, fearful
the wait may last not too long,
or long enough, or forever,

Or maybe
just about until the child finally  stops waiting.

Steel

You claim
to love me,
And I know
you do
In your own way..

But your love
is vast, huge
like the skies
its bends benevolently
towards many.

Me small in stature,
Can't gauge the depth
Of  your unbridled love,
So Ive decided,
I rather walk alone
than  be a tiny speck
in your motley crowd,
The steel in my heart
has finally  made up it's mind.

A paper boat in the rain

You are this paper boat,
I set sail
on the tepid waters,
I so want  you to
sail far far away..

And you
as it is always meant to be,
drench,
struggle
weight heavy
and drown,
while
the child in me,
looks for another paper boat to sail!