pain

its quite some time since ive been in raw pain...the memory of it is so long ago, tht i cant capture the essense try as i mite...but today, the pain is fresh and can be put into words.

what is pain? how does it feel? one thing for sure, its a sinking feeling. a feeling that u are falling so steeply that u are afraid that u will never ever rise again...

one thing for sure, whenever u are in pain, silence is ur best companion. silence watches u in ur pain, quitely waiting for u to come out. of the pain with an implicit promise that silence will be there with u, as long as it takes for u to come out...

suddenly, the pain has gone..

i suppose if i close the keyboards, it will strike me again...well cant be helped :)

love.

i look at her. she does not seem as beautiful as she seems in her pictures, but later, when i steal a glance, when I am opening the door for her, she seems even better looking than her pictures. She is not really aware of what im thinking, and i am not able to decide what she is thinking. both of us are in that phase, when each one is gauging the other, but not with a ferocious anxiousty that pre-lovers have, but more as an idle speculation, born out of a need of random thinking that usually accompanies an empty contented mind...not that the mind was exactly in total contention.


it was more than three years, since we had met the first time (am not going to bore my readers with those details), at that time, I was not sure of the status of the friendship. I had wanted to coax her to let me make out with her then, but wasnt sure if she wud want it too, and i had decided to leave it to fate....fate had not helped us any, as both were silent about the elephant in the room. and nothing had happened.

later when i had asked her if she was open to that one nite stand that never happened, she had said, yes. i of course regretted not having guessed her state of mind then.

today three years later, the situation is not much different. i still am not able to guess her state of mind, while i gaze at her, whether things are going to be different today, when we had moved on, with life, moved on to new people, the nagging itch still waiting to be scratched.. at one point i wonder if she is having the same doubts..but i dare not use words to voice my thoughts aloud, not because she wud be offended, but because it would spoilt the serene, and yet chaotic state of affairs as it stood between us presently.

time passed swiftly, where i could voice my thoughts on all random topics, other than the one on my mind, till she gave me the opening i was looking for. 'i know im terribly attracted to u, and im sure u are to me too, but what i m not sure is what i want from u'..
.................cont

Sep 15

delete

 eva

i know what i dont want though..' she continued, ' i dont want to regret our actions later..' i waited, for more to come, but well taht was it...she had said her piece.

'regret it later?" 'why shud we regret it?", i wondered, while i heard myself say 'of course, i totally understand..i dont want to spoil things between us either...its better we keep it clean. but i must tell u" i continued. suddenly words were gushing out of me," i am aroused at the thought of us making out, and yet i can see what u are talking about"...and strangely i cud see it now..."yeah we will keep it clean"


later when she had left, and i was alone, i knew that though, the reason she didnt want us to have sex, was because she did not want to regret 'our' actions some day, i was always going to regret not having at least tried to subtly push it towards the action.

but i also realise, that i would rather live with my regrets, that let her live with her regrets.

ah, so love won again.(and i lost again).

silences

hhmm need to log more often..if not anything at least for the reason that i dont forget the password once again.


what do i have to say today?nothing...its funny how u have nothing much to say,when u are contented with life..when there are no much hiccups happening.. humanbeings open their mouth only to complain i suppose...most of the times. otherwise they are happy with their silences, happy in their silences...


one exception would be when they re very unhappy, i ve noticed that when im terribly unhappy, all i do is again keep silent.. which kinda means silence is the real language of the soul...words are the language of the body and mind.